Has anyone else taken notice of all the flack Huma Abedin, the wife of Anthony Weiner, is getting in the media? The NY Post did a cover attack asking, “What’s Wrong with Huma Abedin.” Ever courteous, Fox News also did a spread on why everything is her fault for being fucked up. If you’re a masochist and read any comments on articles about Anthony and his Weiner, you’ll see that these media outlets aren’t alone. What I want to know is why any of this is her fault. Let’s discuss.
To the best of our knowledge, did Ms. Abedin text, twitter or email any type of lewd photographs? Participated in cybersex? Cheated on her husband? Has she done anything we know of but choose a poor husband? No, no and no. Ms. Abedin is the victim here, she is the cheated on spouse and I cannot imagine that the fun stopped there, I have an insider’s perspective on her husband, you see, I was married to a man just like him.
When I met ExHusband, I was shocked that he hadn’t dated much- almost not at all! Here he was, this 6’4, muscular Adonis, finishing up his Master’s degree in Engineering and he was just there for the picking. After a few months of dating, I thought I had it figured out: He was so busy with school that he didn’t have much time for me. But that was okay by me, I knew I could show him I wasn’t one of those clingy girls who needed that much attention, and so I was happy seeing him when I could. We’d been together for over a year before the first time I caught him engaged in cybersex, and it was such a shock, so strange that I’d have never expected it, and thereby I didn’t know how to react! I mean, is it cheating? He’d left himself logged in to FetLife, which is kind of like a Facebook for fetishists, on my computer. Thinking it was my profile saying I had messages, I went ahead and opened it and found this thread of messages between him and a woman on the other side of the country. When I called to confront him about it, he lied to me and then sent her a message (I was still logged in to his account, so I could see both ends of this conversation) asking her if she’d told me about their “relationship.” When I confronted him about that, he apologized, cried and begged my forgiveness telling me that since it was only online he didn’t know it was wrong, that he hadn’t seen it as cheating and he promised to never do it again.
Over the next few months, I caught him several more times. I found profiles he had on other websites, and every time, when I would ask him about those profiles, he would deny everything first, then beg my forgiveness second. But after that first time when he claimed not to have known it was cheating, he started to blame me. You see, it was my fault he needed to masturbate to these other people (primarily women, cis and trans, though some men were involved) because he didn’t see me often enough and he had a high sex drive. When the other person involved was a trans-woman or a man, it was my fault because I couldn’t offer him any experience except one with myself, a cis-woman. But here’s the rub: I came of age in Fetish, I’ve had plenty of open and poly relationships. When I offered to have an open relationship, the tears would come and he would swear he was going to change! He’d promise to get help, he’d promise he wouldn’t do it again.
Obviously, I shouldn’t have married him, but I did. Obviously, he never stopped. And as time went on, he became more abusive about it. Once when I caught him for the umpteenth time, I told him that if he didn’t get therapy I was leaving, but instead of looking for a therapist he looked up stats for how much pornography the average man watched and how much sex the average man his age needed, then told me how it was my fault he had to look elsewhere for stimulation. He would tell me he couldn’t help himself, that I had to be more understanding. He even told me he cheated because I should quit smoking (which I did, by the way, and I haven’t smoked since. He still didn’t stop cheating.) The thing is, no matter what I did, no matter how I approached it, in his mind it was my fault. But because I’d married him, because I’d moved across the country for him, I felt incapable of leaving him and instead I put more and more effort into saving our relationship, and into saving him. Just like Huma Abedin.
If you’ve been following along in my blog, you know that I’ve been in a string of abusive relationships in my life, starting with my parents and ending with ExHusband (ending with him because I won’t get involved with anyone else until I feel strong enough to keep away from anyone else who might treat me poorly.) I cannot speak for Ms. Abedin’s family life, but I do know that she grew up in a culture in which women are blamed for more things than not, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that she probably feels responsible, not only for the collapse of her marriage, but for her son. Who has her back? Who can she rely on? Her sociopathic sex predator of a husband? Does she have friends willing to step up and offer her help, to suggest she get therapy? To tell her that what he’s doing to her is wrong? Who is offering her help? Or is it easier to blame her for being wrong and fucked up? I thought so.
In America, when we think of an abuse victim, we envision a skinny, bruised, ignorant, white woman in a trailer park. People refuse to believe that an intelligent and capable woman, or a women with money, could possibly be victimized. After Rihanna was attacked by Chris Brown, I was out with friends who were victim blaming her, and I came to her defense. One of my friends said to me, not knowing my past, “Oh come on, it cold never happen to someone like you!” That was the first time I ever admitted to people who hadn’t known me when I was with TheEx that indeed, it had happened to me. I’m an educated woman, I’ve tested into Mensa, I was a well-known dominatrix for over a decade! And yes, I was a victim of severe abuse. It happens. And after that, I was married to a man who cheated, lied and blamed me for his failings. I’m only now realizing that was abuse, too.
Huma Abedin is a victim. Her son is a victim. Stop blaming her and giving the Anthony Weiners of the world excuses to justify their actions! Put the blame where it belongs: On him.
